Szechuan Beef House with Untz-Fried Rice

About the music: Sometimes days are riddled with ‘ifs’, ‘metaphysical ifs,’ ‘what ifs,’ ‘as ifs’ ect… We understand this cultural if-topia is stressful so we’d like to give you a break by telling you the answer to the if-o-the-moment that is: “if this playlist keeps thumping these funky-deep-house jams how will i cook?” Just know the only thing you need to digest right are the baked french beats of Breakbots mix of Birdy Nam Nam’s – Defiant Order, and the freshly sprinkled Nigerian NNEKA , and the little british flavor from Rudimental. Don’t be overwhelmed by the what ifs brought on by Classixx and Fatboy Slim. You need to be ready for Bondax and their brimming cup of beats (a perfect zest to add to the rice), those fifty minutes are better a record length sexual encounter. Finally, plan to make some questionable decisions with Storm Queen around the meatpacking district… Stefon will likely have some suggestions – perhaps you can finish the night at UNTZ, NYC’s hottest club complete with midget fire jugglers, a special sticky wall and an assortment of undercooked shrimp…

Serves: 4
Cook/Prep Time: 1 Hour 45 Minutes

For Fried Rice:
1/4 cup oyster sauce
1 tbsp soy sauce
3 tbsp peanut or vegetable oil
2 large eggs
1 cup frozen peas, thawed
2 medium garlic cloves, minced
6 cups cold cooked white rice
1 cup bean sprouts 5 medium scallions, sliced thin

For Stir Fry:
6 cloves garlic
1 tbsp minced ginger
4 scallions, whites minced, greens cut to 1/2 inch
1/2 tsp Sichuan peppercorns, ground
3 tbsp soy sauce
3 tbsp rice/balsamic vinegar
2 tbsp sherry
2 tsp hot bean paste
1-1/2 tsp sugar
1 tsp cornstarch
2 cups broccoli florets
Salt to taste
1-1/2 tbsp canola oil
3 dried hot red chilis
1.5 lbs flank steak sliced thin

First, chef up some rice (2-3 cups though the link says 1) and let it cool on a baking dish with tin foil for about an hour.

Combine the oyster sauce and soy sauce in a small bowl; set side. Heat a 12-inch non-stick skillet over medium heat until hot; add 1-1/2 teaspoon of the oil and swirl to coat the pan bottom. Add the eggs and cook without stirring, until they just begin to set, about 20 seconds, then scramble and break into small pieces with a wooden spoon; continue to cook stirring constantly, until the eggs are cook through but not browned, about 1 minute longer. Transfer the eggs to a small bowl and set aside.

Return the skillet to the burner, increase the heat to high, and heat the skillet until hot; add the remaining 2-1/2 tablespoons oil and swirl to coat the pan bottom. Add the peas and cook, stirring constantly, for 30 seconds; stir in the garlic and cook until fragrant, about 30 seconds. Add the rice and oyster sauce mixture; cook, stirring constantly and breaking up rice clumps, until the mixture is heated through, about 3 minutes. Add the eggs, bean sprouts, and scallions; cook, stirring constantly, until heated through, about 1 minute. Let your delicious rice mixture hangout in the pan because it’s time to get going on that beeeeef.


First off, your going to need a lot of small bowls on hand so get em’ lined up and let’s tackle the second half of this dish. Combine the garlic, ginger, scallion whites, and peppercorns in a small bowl. Then, combine the soy sauce, vinegar, 1 tablespoon of wine, hot bean paste, and sugar in another small bowl and stir until the sugar dissolves. Dissolve the cornstarch in the remaining 1 tablespoon wine in another small bowl. Blanch the broccoli florets in boiling salted water for 30 seconds. Refresh under cold water and drain.

Heat a wok over high heat heat. Swirl in the oil. Add the dried chilies and cook for ten seconds, or until dark and fragrant. Remove the chilies with slotted spoon and discard. Add the minced ingredients and cook for 15 seconds, or until fragrant but not brown. Add the sliced beef and stir fry for 2-3 minutes. Add the sauce and cook for 1 minute, or until the beed is cooked. Stir in the broccoli. Stir the cornstarch mixture and add it to the stir-fry with scallion greens. Bring the sauce to a boil and toss in the fried rice. Stir the mix together until the rice is nice and hot. Serve immediately. Phew, that was a long one, but you’re all done and ready to feast.

Chart-Topping Chivito

About the music Well, aside from this being our first post after a long and fruitful summer vacation spent jumping off cliffs, battling sharkbeasts, crashing drones, and generally living the dream, it also happens to be our 50th post. To commemorate this momentous occasion we decided to do something a little different and bring you a sandwich set to funk music. It doesn’t actually take an hour to assemble this sandwich, but between boiling eggs making chimichurri sauce and funking your face off, ya know, things could take a little longer than expected. Fear not however, we have assembled for you 1 hour of some the finest funk tunes old and new. Jocelyn Brown starts you off with a tune that I think most everybody will be able to relate to. We’ve got Luther Vandross and the boys in Change, and then Climax Blues Band taking you through the middle with their catchy tune ‘Couldn’t Get it Right.’ We finish off with The Jaubert Singers and their absolute jam ‘Stand on the World.’  This song will literally make you want to  stand on top of things and funk out so be careful.

This playlist is unstoppable, it’s infectious. Between the sound and the smell people are going to start coming off the street and asking for coach-check, a PBR and a table close enough to see the stage. Hit play, and let’s make some fucking sandwiches.

Cook time: 45 minutes
Serves: 4


~1 pound good meat (we used boneless ribeye)
1/2 tbsp chile powder
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp smoked paprika
1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
6-8… 12 slices of bacon
2 hard boiled eggs
1/2 onion, sliced
2 tomatoes, sliced
1 red pepper, roasted, seeded, sliced
6 ounces black olives, sliced
your choice of lettuce
Bread or roll of your choice (we used brioche rolls, they were… dense)

Chimichurri Sauce: (we used this one, it was quite dank)
1 cup firmly packed fresh flat-leaf parsley, trimmed of thick stems
3-4 garlic cloves
2 Tbsps fresh oregano leaves (can sub 2 teaspoons dried oregano)
1/2 cup olive oil
2 Tbsp red or white wine vinegar
1 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 teaspoon red pepper flakes
4 slices mozzarella

You may be thinking to yourself, “How in the shit am I about to put all of this stuff into a sandwich?” Don’t worry, its a natural reaction, it’s just you being super lame. Go ahead and stop that, grab your balls and remember that when you make a sandwich, you make it like a goddamn man. Let’s carry on.

This here is a Chivito. Coming to you all the way from the hills of Uruguay, it essentially stacks all of your favorite things on top of one another and asks you nicely to put it in your mouth. Please abide.

As you turn on the soundtrack and listen to Ms. Brown belt out this funky jam, you should be doing two things: 1) Combining the chile powder, garlic powder and smoked paprika in a small bowl, and 2) Thinking about how awesome you are. Now rub down your steak with this concoction like you would an old person with coconut oil. That is to say, with passion and vigor.

Per usual, I like to get menial tasks out of the way first so if you haven’t already, hard boil your eggs, slice your onion, make your chimichurri (if you’re into that kinda thing), slice your olives and tomatoes.

Next, and I like to devote a whole paragraph to this task, you’re going to want to fry your bacon.

Coat the pepper lightly in oil and and broil in the oven, turning every time it starts to turn black. About 4-5 minutes a side. When done, take out of the oven and put it in a bowl covered with Saran Wrap for 15 minutes.  It sweats the pepper like a hairy dude in a turkish bath, making it easier to peel the skin off.

Next, sautée the onions in some olive oil until caramelized. Feel free to use the bacon pan, we did.

While that is happening you’re going to need to turn on the grill and prep the meats.  We bought a very thin ribeye because we are lazy, so cooking ours only took like 2-3 minutes a side.  But if you’re a badass and buy a thick ass steak then you are obviously going to need to give yourself more time. Grill your buns too because it’s sandwich assembling time.

OK, so you can do this anyway you want, it’s your sandwich, but I’m about to tell you how to do this because true sandwich eater will tell you that poor structural integrity is the #1 sign of a n00b sandwich. Here it goes: Grilled bun, mayo, steak, bacon, onion, STOP. Add the cheese, put the sammy in the broiler until cheese melts, continue. Add the pepper, olives, tomatoes, chimichurri, eggs and lettuce.


Open Face Goat Cheese sandwich W/ Funk Relish

About the music: This is a daytime dish through and through. It should be made with windows and doors open, and god help me if I’m gonna have a window open and not be blasting the funk out of it. Funk, all day erry day. Thats what we are coming at you with for this recipe. What lies before you is 30 minutes of pure unadulterated funkomania, and you’re invited. Consider yourself lucky. Prison guard turned funk diva Sharon Jones starts you off with an awesome rendition of Just Dropped In. From there it’s a dance party from start to finish. Songs from folks you have most certainly never heard of, but that doesn’t make them any less funky. And some songs from people you have heard of like the Meters and Al Green. If people come in off the street asking what the funky sex sounds emanating from your house are, just say you could tell them but you’d have to kill them. Relish in the funk.

Serves: 2
Prep time: 30 minutes

4 slices good brown bread (we got a half a loaf of Seeeded Seeduction from Whole Foods)
4-6 ounces goat cheese (Bonne Bouche from Vermont Creamery, dank)
Arugula and/or spinach for topping

For the relish:
1-3 cup dried currants
1-3 cup toasted pine nuts
1-4 cup finely chopped red onion
Balsamic vinegar to taste
salt ‘n pepa to taste

This recipe is really pretty full-proof. Super simple and it is honestly one of the most incredible sandwiches you can make. I cite this sandwich as the sole contributor to my past 2 successful sexual encounters. Put on this playlist with it and you will literately be fighting babes off of you.

Hit play and let Sharon get the party going. Pick a spatula that works the best as a microphone, and let’s cut some shit. Chop your onion and throw it in a bowl. Chop up the currants a little and throw ‘em in the same bowl. Toast your pine nuts and throw them on in there. At this point Funkaledic already has, or is currently funking up the whole kitchen. We didn’t, but if you wanted to add dried figs to this that would be cool, I guess. Add the balsamic and the salt and pepper to taste and set aside.

Turn on the broiler to high, I’m talkin’ like Fire on the Bayou high. Slice your bread and throw it in the toaster. I have found the if I just try and broil the bread with the cheese on it without toasting it, it does not reach my desired level of awesome. Now slice you goat cheese at about a centimeter thick. Lay a bed of arugula on the toasted bread and then put the sliced goat cheese on top. Put in the broiler until the cheese is melted and/or starting to brown on top. There is no real set time for this, you just have to watch it. Funk out to some Mighty Hannibal while you wait

Take the sammy out of the broiler and top with the relish. Then squeeze some honey over the top of the sandwich. The reason I put rehab as the last song of the playlist is, well, I’m not suggesting you can be addicted to a sandwich, but maybe…